It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and
then -- just to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to
another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to
think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't
true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I
was thinking all the time.

That was when things began to sour at home. One evening, I turned off
the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that
night at her mother's.

I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment
don't mix, but I couldn't help myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau, Muir,
Confucius, and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and
confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?"

One day, the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you, and it
hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If
you don 't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find another job."

This gave me a lot to think about.

I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I
confessed, "I've been thinking..."

"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a divorce!"

"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."

"It is serious," she said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as a
college professor and college professors don't make any money, so if
you keep on thinking, we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently.

She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood
to deal with the emotional drama.

"I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door. I
headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I roared into
the parking lot with a social reportage on the radio and ran up to
the big glass doors. They didn't open. The library was closed.

To this day, I believ e that a Higher Power was looking out for me
that night. Leaning on the unfeeling glass, whimpering for
Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye: "Friend, is heavy thinking
ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It
comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster. This is why I am
what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At
each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was
Porky's. Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking
since the last meeting.

I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just
seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. The road to
recovery is now nearly complete for me.

Today I took the final step. I joined the (Republican / Democratic /
Libertarian / Green / Socialist / Whatever) Party.