Stop! You don’t have to abandon, or ignore your family any longer!
This might be the very threat they are imposing on you because it is the worst thing they could ever imagine themselves!
I think family should not be about doing the worst possible things to one anther. Is it?
There is another way...
The scenario can be like this one: “If you don’t think, act or live like us, you will burn in hell!”
In other words: If you decidedly reject us, we will want to reject you, but instead, we are going to try and scare the hell out of you…with hell.
That way we don’t ever have to follow though and really abandon you. It just might look bad to our friends and family after all!
Or the scenario can be like this: “Vote for the candidate we like or the world will warm, freeze, explode, < just fill in the blank here> !”
Or like this: “You think too much! Therefore you must think you are better than us!”
Or even like this, “you couldn’t be gay, we raised you in a good upstanding Christian home!”
And the many, many more subtle issues we know of and ignore every holiday with the folks.
Let’s face it; we were all started off as children, we know what children are about; they get practically all their needs met socially, they haven’t earned any real value that they could trade, the way adults go about getting their needs met. The adult act of fair trade, you will see, is the crux of this essay.
I see this common family issue as a difficult emotional roadblock to becoming and living as a fully independent adult. And then effectively living as an adult. These are just old habits.
To some there is a problem in effectively communicating who we ARE and what we THINK to our older generation, family members and childhood friends about who they have become as an individual now that they have experienced life on their own and see things differently. None of us know what lies beyond the horizon once we stand up taller.
Religious and political ideals, sexual preference and the ways of logic are important if not THE most important issues an adult faces. We must find consistency and conclusion here… or die.
Those adults who can not have rational discussion on these issues; obviously hold their conclusions about these topics emotionally not rationally, thus any challenge causes an extreme emotional response,, one they are not proud nor willing to let others see, therefore they need MUST keep you from revealing them, no matter how rational you can be. In fact the more rational you are, the more irrational they will become!
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It will be helpful to define Maturity at this point. The main difference between a child and an adult is its ability to be self sufficient, not to say that they NEED to be self sufficient, most adults choose to develop a strong community to have an easier life, again they WANT to have community. A child on the other hand can not be self sufficient so they need to have community. Therefore they can easily feel out of control and insecure.
Adults value communication children fear it.
Adults take responsibility for their emotions, children blame others.
Adults see the value in being in control of themselves , children see the value in domination and to be dominated
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As adults ourselves, we tend to expect our elders to also be adults, and can easily resent them when they are not. The truth is they might never had an adult role model growing up. And the true adults they did pass along the way, did not stop to pay any attention to them. Why should they? Get called names???
We all enjoy spending time with our peers. And true adults would not see the value in wasting time with the immature, unless there was something in it for them. There are in fact many a well paid profession dedicated to helping them!
And if they are in our own family, we don’t want to make trouble, After all we are the more mature ones, or are we?
We know that when children when backed into a corner, they resort to violence in one form or another, some violent too others most too themselves. Even if it is just the threat to abandon you. for that is a child greatest fear, after all they were abandoned by the non-existent mature parent they should have had in the first place.
We are then children raised by children, By the way, our politicians are raking in the dough and all our own mature power is willing given away in trade for just a sense of security!
But to suddenly recognize WHY those in your family that should have been mature before having babies, and weren’t, is to understand, thus forgive them and move on. The “Moving on” looks like this: To decidedly take your own rains and raise yourself.
For example: Within the “Fellowship of Reason” www.fellowshipofreason.com is a larger more free environment in which to re-pot oneself. Then your roots can expand and grow taller and stronger. Perhaps F.O.R will be a temporary spot for you to do that, or perhaps you will bring those passing through with you as you grow.
No one really knows what lies beyond the next stage of our own development. And the more mature we are; the less fear of what there is too come. Actually it is very exciting to know that the next stage is somehow going to be freer and will come with a stronger feeling of efficacy.
Here are the needed steps to self parenting:
1) re-pot yourself temporally, spend more time with people that are accepting of you as you are. Until you are strong enough to follow though.
2) Value honesty from those that have earned your respect. Honest gets things done.
3) Encourage and practice honest dialogue , prepare to hear things that you might not feel comfortable with. It’s more common to find support for the same old things you used to do.
4) Take some small emotional risks with your old friends and family. Always assuring them that you care, instead of looking for assurance that they care. This is the transition point.
5) Go forth and prosper! Like the rising tide that raising all ships, your progress will ultimately benefit all those who know you. And so on.